Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.
The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.”
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The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.”
The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.”
The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”
At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.
Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”
A young man introduces his fiancee to his parents.
While they were having dinner the girl gently farts. Annoyed by the funny smell the father in law yells:
– Rocky!!
The girl is relieved that the future in-law blamed the dog from under her chair but after a few minutes she lets one more rip.
The boy’s father is getting nervous:
– Rocky!! be careful now!!
Worried no more the girl fires another one.
Feeling exasperated, the boy’s father yells:
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– Rocky! Get out of there fast! She’s gonna sh*t on you!
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of chicken, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
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His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get ’em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
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For lunch, the old man made cheeseburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as they appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg, so he asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up, the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass.
John yelled and said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get to my car.”
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Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, “Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!”
Emily lived in Minnesota
Emily lived in Minnesota, where winter felt personal.
One morning, before heading to work, she decided to do something nice for herself.
She folded her sweatpants and hoodie, slid them under her blanket, and tucked them in like they mattered. She paused and nodded. “Wow. Look at me. A functioning adult.”
All day, while her coworkers complained about the cold, Emily stayed quiet. She had a secret. She imagined warm clothes waiting patiently at home, and that thought carried her through the day.
That night, she rushed inside, peeled off her coat, and went straight to the bed. She pulled the clothes out from under the blanket and put them on immediately.
She stood there. Stared at the wall. Then said, “Wow. I really thought that was gonna work.”
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A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.”
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A blonde was driving down an old country road when she spotted a blonde rowing a boat in a in a wheat field.
She pulled over to the side of the road and stopped the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field.
“Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”
The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, “Because it is an ocean of wheat.”
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The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious.
She yells at the blonde in the field. “It’s blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”
The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at the blonde in the field then yelled, “If I could swim I would come out there and kick your ass.”
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Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves.
They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. ‘Well,’ said the first one, ‘I bought mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.’
‘I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.’
‘I’ve beaten you both,’ said the third. ‘I bought her a miraculous parrot that can talk to her.’
A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.
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‘Gerald, the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, and I have to clean the entire house. Milton, the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere; I’m too old. But Robert, you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.’
